Dec. 7, 2000

When I was in school at Carolina back in the....well, a long time ago, the word "dog" meant only two things: Dog meant a dog. "Hey, what kind of dog is that?" Or it meant an unattractive woman. "Hey, who was that dog you were with last night?"

But in the hands of the subset of people who most effectively and dramatically shape our language, the student athlete, this word and its derivatives have taken their place among the most versatile and most commonly used words on campus.

With some help from the University of North Carolina football team, the staff here at Mick's Bag Headquarters has assembled this beginner's guide to dog-speak. This is offered as an educational tool only and caution is advised. Digestion of the material below will not render you fluent in Dog, but it might get you by in a pinch.

THE PROPER NOUN - (ENDEARMENT):

DOG-SPEAK - "What up, Dog?" This infers a familiarity with and an affinity for the subject. Do not plural the "What" or you will be regarded as a beginner and a rube.

TRANSLATION FOR THE CHRONICALLY UNCOOL - "Greetings, friend."

THE SUFFIX - (ENDEARMENT):

D.S. - "That's what I'm sayin', roomdog!"

T.F.T.C.U. - "I agree with what you just said, roomate of mine."

D.S. - "Yo, homedog!"

T.F.T.C.U. - "Hello there, person from my hometown."

D.S. - "Charlie, he's my cribdog."

T.F.T.C.U. - "Charlie and I live in the same house."

SUFFIX OR PREFIX - PROPER NAME - (ENDEARMENT)

D.S. - "Take it light, G-dog."

T.F.T.C.U. - "So long, George."

D.S. - "supp, Will-dog?"

T.F.T.C.U. - "How are you, William?"

VERB - TO HARM, INJURE OR DISRESPECT

D.S. - "He dogged you, dog."

T.F.T.C.U. - "I believe you just got the worst of that exchange."

D.S. - "Why you always be doggin' me like that?"

T.F.T.C.U. - "Why do you feel it necessary to make disparaging remarks about me?"

ADJECTIVE - USED BY WOMEN TO DESCRIBE SINGLE MALE WHO LACKS SOCIAL SKILL AND IS EXTREMELY EAGER FOR FEMALE COMPANIONSHIP:

D.S. - "Who let the dogs out?" (woof, woof, woof, woof woof)

T.F.T.C.U. - "My, there sure are a lot of guys here tonight who lack social skill and are extremely eager for female companionship."

Okay, there you go, Dog. Those are a few of the basics, the rest is up to you.

What should you do with this newfound method of communicating? Well, the football players we spoke to advise you to try it out around the house first, say with the wife and kids, before venturing out into the work place with it. Then, after a few weeks of practice, in the words of one defensive lineman, "You can run with the big dogs or you can stay on the porch."